Farewell, John E. Warriner

    I’d like to think its esteemed author, John E. Warriner, would support my decision.
    After all, his publisher, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, hasn’t printed new copies for 30 years, and decent classroom sets have become quite difficult to come by.
    That’s not the real reason, though.
    Mr. Warriner’s tome, universally and concisely identified only by his surname, has grown boring, boring, boring, and the time has come to enliven the teaching of grammar.
    Now, let’s be very clear.
    There will be no de-emphasis of the basics; indeed, diagramming, pronoun usage, agreement, capitalization, and punctuation will remain vital parts of the curriculum.
    It’s still my philosophy that the study of grammar isn’t an end in itself but a means to the end of communicating with poise and confidence.  I’ll stick with my mantra: “Learn the rules and have confidence that they work.”
    It’s just that the time has arrived for me to enter the 21st Century with a new text, Elements of Language, Second Course with the subtitle Grammar, Usage, and Mechanics, which is basically a workbook with plenty of instruction and exercises and more up-to-date sentences than The second-place winners will receive Polaroid cameras.
    And, hey, after playing this gig since 1972, I do have a few old worksheets that can easily be updated stashed away in my file cabinet.
    There’re many aspects of teaching the tried-and-true Warriner’s that I’ll miss, however.
    One will be elevating the author – long since deceased, by the way – to folk hero status.
    Part of my act – teaching is often theater, you know – has been to present lessons as if my friend were actually sharing the stage with me, an erudite Harvey the Rabbit, if you will.
    I’ll miss creating the illusion that John E. and his henchmen convened in a dimly lit, smoke-filled loft to concoct sentences as they sipped on sodas and nibbled on Tostitos and clam dip.
    I’ll miss the cheesy exercises that were actually narratives and made the guys roll their eyes.
    Once and for all, I’ll say good-bye to the brother and sister who put too much soap in the washing machine and had to call the repairman and to the bumbling guy who made a futile attempt to learn to cook.
    I’ll miss the life lessons, intended or not.
    A person should weigh his words carefully before criticizing someone else.
    Carly and Doreen taught themselves the importance of hard work.
    A friend is a person whom you can trust.
    In sports, as in most activities, persistence and patience can earn rewards.
    I’ll miss the subliminal message (That drummer is the best.) that Mr. Warriner was a Beatles fan.  (Actually, I don’t know if John E. cared a lick about the Beatles.  I just know that Pete Best was the group’s original drummer before it became the Fab Four.)
    I’ll miss the occasional inconsistencies (such as telling students in one chapter that they shouldn’t begin a sentence with the word well and in another telling them how to punctuate it when they do).
    I’ll miss the random sentences that seem so out of place in a staid old grammar book.
    The neighbor’s dog chased Fluffy up the crabapple tree.
    My sister, a real terror with a whale of a temper, shouts “Beans!” when something goes wrong.
    No kitten or puppy compares to my pet boa constrictor.
    Buddy’s cousin ran off to join the circus.
    My first pet was a beagle. I named it Bagel.
    I’ll miss the structure and organization of the book, which has served generations of students, myself included, quite well.
    Most of all, though, I’ll miss the friend who’s shared the journey with me as I've moved through my teaching career. 
                                               -- Weldon Bradshaw